Home » Articles posted by Jen Frase

  • The Bachelorette Recap and Colon Cancer? Say What?

    The Bachelorette Recap and Colon Cancer? Say What?

    So here’s the scoop. My mom was diagnosed with colon cancer last week. Needless to say, it’s been a shitty five days. I am also now sick as a dog since I’ve been crying and not sleeping… and the fact my kids are sick too and they like to cough RIGHT in my face probably didn’t help. All of this means I’m not writing a Bachelorette recap this week. Let’s face it – this show is the same goddamn thing […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – Soooo many damn siblings

    The Bachelorette Recap – Soooo many damn siblings

    I’m tired.   Milwaukee with Nick    We start in Milwaukee, Wisconsin with Nick and his big ass family. They start with a tour of the Milwaukee public market. Nick says, “I like spending time here.” That’s weird. Don’t you say, “I like going here” or “I like buying cheese here.” To say “spending time here”, feels like he comes and does Tai Chi outside of it.   They go to a brewery next. I feel like going to a […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – The Dry Hump Episode

    The Bachelorette Recap – The Dry Hump Episode

    This week there are two one-on-one dates and one group date but there is only a rose on the group date oh my god I don’t give a shit about this show anymore. Andi’s frownie face is also wearing on my last nerve. And I keep waiting for someone to express a concern again and then she gets all pissy pants and shuts down. She’s fun.   Six guys left, we’re in Belgium and this entire episode is about Nick’s […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – Do you Faaahrt in public?

    The Bachelorette Recap – Do you Faaahrt in public?

    I’ve said this a lot but I really mean it this time. Ohmygod this was the most boring episode ever.   Eight guys left and they’re in Venice. Nick (33 year-old Software Sales Executive) gets the first one-on-one date. Also, my friend called him “untamed vagine head” last night. It’s so amazing I can’t take credit for it.   Nick Date    I can’t put my finger on it, but Nick kind of sucks. More on that later. They start […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – Bachelor Mimes and French things

    The Bachelorette Recap – Bachelor Mimes and French things

    We’re down to 11 dudes. The gang heads to Marseilles, France and Andi tells us she loves it there because it’s “a huge port area”. Or, a PORT. I must be in a salty mood, to quote one young bachelorette, if I’m making fun of that. It’s gonna be a long night.   Chris Harrison, looking ever so French in that turtleneck action, sits with Andi and asks if she’s falling in love. “STOP”, she replies. No YOU fucking stop. […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – The full of sad shit episode

    The Bachelorette Recap – The full of sad shit episode

    Did I miss the transition to New England? What the?   We’re down to 13 guys, which makes for a long ass summer, people. The kids are at some large, yet odd, hotel in Connecticut. Dylan gets the first one-on-one date – let’s go.   Dylan Date    They apparently have an entire steam train to themselves for a day. Andi comments, maybe their relationship will pick up steam. Ba dum dum. Do you think the producers sit around and […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – My new biggest turn-off? Opera Singing.

    The Bachelorette Recap – My new biggest turn-off? Opera Singing.

    This week, Andi decided to get out of LA. That’s right – ANDI decided. She just lifted up production and said, “Yo, we’re going to Santa Barbara. I booked a room at the Bacara.” This show is so stupid.   Nick Date    Nick, the 33 year-old Software Sales Guy, gets the first one-on-one date and I have this dude totally figured out. He likes to pretend he’s SO COOL and way too good for this whole thing, but actually […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – Sadness, lots of lube and a drunk.

    The Bachelorette Recap – Sadness, lots of lube and a drunk.

    Oh my god I can’t handle the Eric stuff. This is heartbreaking, people. How was he not married already? What a catch. Sad sad sad.   So we’re down to 19. Good lord that’s too many. This week, the guys check into the mansion. Nick says, “Staying in a place where so many people have fallen in love makes me hopeful that this is where my love story starts.” There are so many things wrong with this sentence. For one, […]

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  • The Bachelorette Season Premiere Recap – Meet the Dudes. And their hair. And their gayness.

    The Bachelorette Season Premiere Recap – Meet the Dudes. And their hair. And their gayness.

    Let’s just address the elephant in the room. I’m a day late. I won’t let it happen again. OK I’m not promising that, but I’ll try REALLY hard. Sorry, peeps.   Here we are again – Another season of the Bachelorette, complete with an overly qualified chick (albeit slightly annoying), and twenty-five guys, which at least half are homosexual. Oh and who was thrilled to find out the show was only 90 minutes!? That’s a win in my book. I […]

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  • The Bachelor Finale Recap – I Wish the Earth Would Suck Me

    The Bachelor Finale Recap – I Wish the Earth Would Suck Me

    I’m so fucking confused. What a train wreck. And Nikki acts like a David Koresh disciple. Brainwashed much?   So WOW, there’s a lot to talk about. And honestly, it’s all so confusing that it’s just going to be speculation as to what this freakshow of a dude is thinking. Let’s get started.   We start in the studio with Smitty, hosting a live Bachelor viewing party with a bunch of middle-aged moms. I’m not knocking that – that’s me […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – The Whiny Bitches Tell All

    The Bachelor Recap – The Whiny Bitches Tell All

    Call me crazy but I liked Juan Pablo more after last night’s episode? I mean, don’t get me wrong – he’s still not smart, he’s clueless about women and he’s pretty selfish, but I like that he didn’t back down from those chicks, who were a bunch of whiny bitches last night.   Sean and Catherine    But FIRST, we discuss Sean and Catherine. Smitty has the balls to ask them about their wedding night, which is so gross. They […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – It’s OK.

    The Bachelor Recap – It’s OK.

    Juan Pablo is excited about the overnights because, “There are no cameras. I can really get to know them.” He adds, “English isn’t my first language. By “them”, I mean “their vagines”.   Who knew I would make a joke about having crabs?? Clare Date    Clare is excited because THIS is her love story. This is the story she will tell for generations about where her and her fiancé fell in love. Ahhh, yes, it’s the good ‘ol traditional […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Hometown Date Déjà vu: Crazy sisters, Leather couches and guns

    The Bachelor Recap – Hometown Date Déjà vu: Crazy sisters, Leather couches and guns

    Nikki Hometown Date    So we dive right in this week, with Nikki (that’s what he said). We start in Kansas City with Nikki’s date because it’s painfully boring so the producers wanted to get that one out of the way.   Nikki says Juan Pablo is so fun and she wants to make sure he’s a bit of a cowboy. Riiiight, JUAN PABLO, the cowboy. Juan Pablo. Doesn’t scream cowboy, no?   She takes him to a barbecue rib […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Sharleen and her 1991 Wardrobe Head Home

    The Bachelor Recap – Sharleen and her 1991 Wardrobe Head Home

    Bitches and Hot-but-Dumb Juan P are in Miami this week. The girls are excited to be here because it’ll be what life is really like with Juan P……….and they say this as they check into the Penthouse Suite of the Lowes hotel. Yup, exactly like it.   FYI – Sharleen is wearing fish bone earrings.   Sharleen Date    Sharleen begins her two-hour whine fest, complaining about the lack of “cerebral connection” between them. What a wet blanket. LOOK AT […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Juan gets kissing practice, still can’t speak English

    The Bachelor Recap – Juan gets kissing practice, still can’t speak English

    First, let me apologize for last week. I missed the recap because I was in Mexico and apparently they don’t let people watch that crap in Mexico on the Internet. Plus, you know, I was busy having fun. But I’m really sorry! And MAN you people know how to give a girl shit! I love that you love me enough to give me shit about missing it though. In case I haven’t said it in awhile, I love all of […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Nikki’s on the rag

    The Bachelor Recap – Nikki’s on the rag

    Juan P doesn’t look all that sad to leave Camila to bang chicks in Seoul, am I right?   Smitty tells the gals they’re heading to Seoul and they freak. I’m sure they’re excited but I know most are bummed it’s not Fiji. Or is that just me? Two group dates and one 1-on-1 date this week. In Seoul. Also, that group sticks out like a sore thumb in Seoul. Wow.   Group Date One    The first group date […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Sean and Catherine’s Sex-Focused Wedding

    The Bachelor Recap – Sean and Catherine’s Sex-Focused Wedding

    Wow, I have thoughts. I have thoughts…lots of them.   Let’s get started. This shit didn’t need to be two hours, by the way. We start with a look-back at their fairytale journey. Sean says, “Going into the Bachelor, I certainly didn’t think I’d find my wife.” Ummm, isn’t that the point? One could argue the point is to hump a lot of desperate women, but he doesn’t even DO that. So…     Road trip   Sean, Catherine and […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – 80% of these girls need to be punched

    The Bachelor Recap – 80% of these girls need to be punched

    Smitty, who has decided color blocking for men is in fashion, tells the girls there will be three dates this week – two 1-on-1 dates and one group date. I still don’t know whether Juan Pablo is even aware of how this show works.   Cassandra Date   Before his 1-on-1 date with Cassandra (21, Former NBA Dancer, Michigan, single mom), he plays with feisty Camila (who does NOT like chicken) and his parents. The two of them head out […]

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  • The Bachelor Real Love Stories Recap…Puke

    The Bachelor Real Love Stories Recap…Puke

    This Sunday was the “Bachelor Real Love Stories” special. And “real” is definitely in quotes. Just kidding, they all look super happy, blaaaaaaah. Here’s the update on the only people ever to stay together from this show…and I admit it – I’m curious about what these dingbats are up to. Desiree and Chris    These two dorks go overboard saying their relationship is perfection and how they’re SO in love. Have we learned nothing? Don’t say that. Just say we’re […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – “Life is about straddling people…and things”

    The Bachelor Recap – “Life is about straddling people…and things”

    I want to invite Victoria over to my house and either get her really drunk just to watch what happens, (since clearly it’s entertaining) or sit her down and tell her she needs to get her crazy train shit together.   I promised to cut these down, but I’m just not sure it’s possible. I could write a book on Victoria alone. Okay let’s dive in.   Clare Date    Clare is the 32-year-old Hairdresser from Sacramento. Juan Pablo looks […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Sunday Night Stupidness

    The Bachelor Recap – Sunday Night Stupidness

    Is anybody actually watching this Sunday night crap? In case you weren’t aware, every Sunday night in Juan-uary has a Bachelor special, but if last night’s show was any indication, you can skip them. They’re really stupid… But don’t skip Sunday, January 26th because that’s Sean and Catherine’s wedding, and the pathetic-Bachelor fan in me can’t miss that one.   There is truly nothing to really recap here, since most of the show was repeating the same previews we’ve already […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Lots of tears, spray tans, free spiriting and Mineral Coordination

    The Bachelor Recap – Lots of tears, spray tans, free spiriting and Mineral Coordination

    Admittedly, I need to trim down these recaps this season. I just babble on and on and all of a sudden this shit is 3000 words. However, this episode is impossible to trim down because I need to list out all of these girls so we can keep them straight. Oh and also, so I can tear them apart. I’m not really a mean person but it’s just SO easy.   Anyway, the episode starts with Juan P running around […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Juan Pablo…come to mama

    The Bachelor Recap – Juan Pablo…come to mama

    I know the real season starts tonight, but I thought I’d just say hello and give you a couple thoughts I had tonight on the preview. Otherwise known as the cry-my-ass-off-cause-Gia-is-dead episode or the Juan-Pablo-is-super-hot-but-not-smart episode or why-can’t-he-strap-his-kid-into-a-car-seat episode.   First of all, Happy Juanuary. I love all the stupid Juan-isms that ABC has come up with by the way. I plan to create a few more, though they’ll never be as clever. Speaking of clever, I don’t think Juan […]

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  • The Bachelorette Finale Recap – I’m SURE this one will last. This one will TOTALLY be different.

    The Bachelorette Finale Recap – I’m SURE this one will last. This one will TOTALLY be different.

    BOO. Not a fan of this outcome, people. Not cool. But we have hours to discuss here. For the record, three hours of anything is too long. But I hang on to see Juan Pablo. Anyhoo, here we go. Desiree is heartbroken after Brooks dumped her ass last week. She says it throws everything off. She sits with Smitty who says, “How are you doing today?” And she cried. Smitty sits there. Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause. “I’m sorry.” […]

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