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  • The Bachelor Finale Recap – I Wish the Earth Would Suck Me

    The Bachelor Finale Recap – I Wish the Earth Would Suck Me

    I’m so fucking confused. What a train wreck. And Nikki acts like a David Koresh disciple. Brainwashed much?   So WOW, there’s a lot to talk about. And honestly, it’s all so confusing that it’s just going to be speculation as to what this freakshow of a dude is thinking. Let’s get started.   We start in the studio with Smitty, hosting a live Bachelor viewing party with a bunch of middle-aged moms. I’m not knocking that – that’s me […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – The Whiny Bitches Tell All

    The Bachelor Recap – The Whiny Bitches Tell All

    Call me crazy but I liked Juan Pablo more after last night’s episode? I mean, don’t get me wrong – he’s still not smart, he’s clueless about women and he’s pretty selfish, but I like that he didn’t back down from those chicks, who were a bunch of whiny bitches last night.   Sean and Catherine    But FIRST, we discuss Sean and Catherine. Smitty has the balls to ask them about their wedding night, which is so gross. They […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – It’s OK.

    The Bachelor Recap – It’s OK.

    Juan Pablo is excited about the overnights because, “There are no cameras. I can really get to know them.” He adds, “English isn’t my first language. By “them”, I mean “their vagines”.   Who knew I would make a joke about having crabs?? Clare Date    Clare is excited because THIS is her love story. This is the story she will tell for generations about where her and her fiancé fell in love. Ahhh, yes, it’s the good ‘ol traditional […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Hometown Date Déjà vu: Crazy sisters, Leather couches and guns

    The Bachelor Recap – Hometown Date Déjà vu: Crazy sisters, Leather couches and guns

    Nikki Hometown Date    So we dive right in this week, with Nikki (that’s what he said). We start in Kansas City with Nikki’s date because it’s painfully boring so the producers wanted to get that one out of the way.   Nikki says Juan Pablo is so fun and she wants to make sure he’s a bit of a cowboy. Riiiight, JUAN PABLO, the cowboy. Juan Pablo. Doesn’t scream cowboy, no?   She takes him to a barbecue rib […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Sharleen and her 1991 Wardrobe Head Home

    The Bachelor Recap – Sharleen and her 1991 Wardrobe Head Home

    Bitches and Hot-but-Dumb Juan P are in Miami this week. The girls are excited to be here because it’ll be what life is really like with Juan P……….and they say this as they check into the Penthouse Suite of the Lowes hotel. Yup, exactly like it.   FYI – Sharleen is wearing fish bone earrings.   Sharleen Date    Sharleen begins her two-hour whine fest, complaining about the lack of “cerebral connection” between them. What a wet blanket. LOOK AT […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Juan gets kissing practice, still can’t speak English

    The Bachelor Recap – Juan gets kissing practice, still can’t speak English

    First, let me apologize for last week. I missed the recap because I was in Mexico and apparently they don’t let people watch that crap in Mexico on the Internet. Plus, you know, I was busy having fun. But I’m really sorry! And MAN you people know how to give a girl shit! I love that you love me enough to give me shit about missing it though. In case I haven’t said it in awhile, I love all of […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Nikki’s on the rag

    The Bachelor Recap – Nikki’s on the rag

    Juan P doesn’t look all that sad to leave Camila to bang chicks in Seoul, am I right?   Smitty tells the gals they’re heading to Seoul and they freak. I’m sure they’re excited but I know most are bummed it’s not Fiji. Or is that just me? Two group dates and one 1-on-1 date this week. In Seoul. Also, that group sticks out like a sore thumb in Seoul. Wow.   Group Date One    The first group date […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Sean and Catherine’s Sex-Focused Wedding

    The Bachelor Recap – Sean and Catherine’s Sex-Focused Wedding

    Wow, I have thoughts. I have thoughts…lots of them.   Let’s get started. This shit didn’t need to be two hours, by the way. We start with a look-back at their fairytale journey. Sean says, “Going into the Bachelor, I certainly didn’t think I’d find my wife.” Ummm, isn’t that the point? One could argue the point is to hump a lot of desperate women, but he doesn’t even DO that. So…     Road trip   Sean, Catherine and […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – 80% of these girls need to be punched

    The Bachelor Recap – 80% of these girls need to be punched

    Smitty, who has decided color blocking for men is in fashion, tells the girls there will be three dates this week – two 1-on-1 dates and one group date. I still don’t know whether Juan Pablo is even aware of how this show works.   Cassandra Date   Before his 1-on-1 date with Cassandra (21, Former NBA Dancer, Michigan, single mom), he plays with feisty Camila (who does NOT like chicken) and his parents. The two of them head out […]

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  • The Bachelor Real Love Stories Recap…Puke

    The Bachelor Real Love Stories Recap…Puke

    This Sunday was the “Bachelor Real Love Stories” special. And “real” is definitely in quotes. Just kidding, they all look super happy, blaaaaaaah. Here’s the update on the only people ever to stay together from this show…and I admit it – I’m curious about what these dingbats are up to. Desiree and Chris    These two dorks go overboard saying their relationship is perfection and how they’re SO in love. Have we learned nothing? Don’t say that. Just say we’re […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – “Life is about straddling people…and things”

    The Bachelor Recap – “Life is about straddling people…and things”

    I want to invite Victoria over to my house and either get her really drunk just to watch what happens, (since clearly it’s entertaining) or sit her down and tell her she needs to get her crazy train shit together.   I promised to cut these down, but I’m just not sure it’s possible. I could write a book on Victoria alone. Okay let’s dive in.   Clare Date    Clare is the 32-year-old Hairdresser from Sacramento. Juan Pablo looks […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Sunday Night Stupidness

    The Bachelor Recap – Sunday Night Stupidness

    Is anybody actually watching this Sunday night crap? In case you weren’t aware, every Sunday night in Juan-uary has a Bachelor special, but if last night’s show was any indication, you can skip them. They’re really stupid… But don’t skip Sunday, January 26th because that’s Sean and Catherine’s wedding, and the pathetic-Bachelor fan in me can’t miss that one.   There is truly nothing to really recap here, since most of the show was repeating the same previews we’ve already […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Lots of tears, spray tans, free spiriting and Mineral Coordination

    The Bachelor Recap – Lots of tears, spray tans, free spiriting and Mineral Coordination

    Admittedly, I need to trim down these recaps this season. I just babble on and on and all of a sudden this shit is 3000 words. However, this episode is impossible to trim down because I need to list out all of these girls so we can keep them straight. Oh and also, so I can tear them apart. I’m not really a mean person but it’s just SO easy.   Anyway, the episode starts with Juan P running around […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – Juan Pablo…come to mama

    The Bachelor Recap – Juan Pablo…come to mama

    I know the real season starts tonight, but I thought I’d just say hello and give you a couple thoughts I had tonight on the preview. Otherwise known as the cry-my-ass-off-cause-Gia-is-dead episode or the Juan-Pablo-is-super-hot-but-not-smart episode or why-can’t-he-strap-his-kid-into-a-car-seat episode.   First of all, Happy Juanuary. I love all the stupid Juan-isms that ABC has come up with by the way. I plan to create a few more, though they’ll never be as clever. Speaking of clever, I don’t think Juan […]

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  • The Bachelorette Finale Recap – I’m SURE this one will last. This one will TOTALLY be different.

    The Bachelorette Finale Recap – I’m SURE this one will last. This one will TOTALLY be different.

    BOO. Not a fan of this outcome, people. Not cool. But we have hours to discuss here. For the record, three hours of anything is too long. But I hang on to see Juan Pablo. Anyhoo, here we go. Desiree is heartbroken after Brooks dumped her ass last week. She says it throws everything off. She sits with Smitty who says, “How are you doing today?” And she cried. Smitty sits there. Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause. “I’m sorry.” […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – I cried harder than Desiree. Get a grip, Jen.

    The Bachelorette Recap – I cried harder than Desiree. Get a grip, Jen.

    I cried like a little bitch. I cried like a big bitch actually. Like a fucking baby, good lord. Let’s dive in – Smitty says, “The television event of the summer starts now.” Well, THAT’s bold. And not correct. He should have said, “The television event that will make you cry like a fucking little bitch and then hate yourself for it…starts NOW!” They’re in Antigua, which is gorgeous, but Desiree needs to hold on to that damn boat. At […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – “The Men Tell All”, I mean “The Juan Pablo Episode”

    The Bachelorette Recap – “The Men Tell All”, I mean “The Juan Pablo Episode”

    Seriously, seriously fucking boring. The only savior was the serious focus on Juan Pablo. I guess he’s the next Bachelor – why else would they do a “get to know Juan Pablo” segment if we were never going to see him again? Especially one that made him look as sweet and amazing as that? Remind me again why Desiree let him go? It’s MIND boggling that one would choose Michael over him. Or Drew. Or Chris. We start this very […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – The “What the Fuck” episode

    The Bachelorette Recap – The “What the Fuck” episode

    I mean….whaaaat? I mean….where do I start? I feel like a kid walking into Chuck E Cheese – there’s just too much to do. I have no clue where to start. I’ll never be able to give this shit show the justice it’s due. Dallas for Zak’s Date  When Zak warns Desiree about his family, I know we’re in for a ride here. I have high hopes. They don’t disappoint. But first we take the family snow cone truck out […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – Madeira is filled with pussies (cats, I mean)

    The Bachelorette Recap – Madeira is filled with pussies (cats, I mean)

    We are down to FIVE people. FIVE! That’s so exciting. And by “exciting”, I mean, thank god this boring shit is almost over. They head to Madeira Island, which is apparently SO difficult to find, the Bachelor people make a map for us, complete with a wee little plane to show where they are going. Do they think we’re a bunch of idiots? Also, I had no idea where it was. So thank you, Bachelor people. So THAT’S where it […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – The Whiny Bitch Episode

    The Bachelorette Recap – The Whiny Bitch Episode

    The best part of this week was getting rid of three guys! I see a light at the end of the desperation-herpes-filled tunnel. Anyway, we start with eight guys and the previews tell us that it’s the “all about James” episode. Desiree begins her time in Barcelona by walking around. Apparently, she’s hopeful, excited and likes churches.Drew Date  I haven’t been under my sofa more this entire season, than I was on Drew and Desiree’s date. SO many awkward moments. […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – That’s a lot of hoodies

    The Bachelorette Recap – That’s a lot of hoodies

    So you know it’s a boring night on the Bachelorette when the most interesting part to me was counting JUST how many friggin hoodies those boys wore. Every single one, I swear. Seriously. Almost every single one. You also know it’s boring when the producers have to lie in the previews – ummm, they previewed things that don’t happen until next week. Fuckers. So the hoodies head to Munich this week. I booked a trip to Munich once and then […]

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  • The Bachelor Recap – A whole lot of gay

    The Bachelor Recap – A whole lot of gay

    The Bachelor Recap – A whole lot of gay Oh my fucking god this was the most boring episode of all time. We had to add an old Jersey couple to the show…for forty goddamn minutes? It didn’t help the boredom factor. Snooze. Smitty is looking, uh…loud in that plaid number. He tells the 13 remaining guys that there are again three dates this week, and they get to leave the mansion and go to…Atlantic City! I can almost hear […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – A mess of tank tops and flesh-colored leggings

    The Bachelorette Recap – A mess of tank tops and flesh-colored leggings

    Peach leggings, men wearing lady-tanks and serious mental instability…what more could a blogger ask for? Group Date  The first group date goes to Chris (Mortgage Broker from Seattle), Brian (Investment Advisor, Loud Talker aaaand general dirt bag), Drew (overly soft marketing dude from Scottsdale), Michael (Federal Prosecutor who seems out of place), Brooks (flat teeth, cool-guy hair), Brad (Accountant, child-hider), Mikey (Mob Plumber but sweet guy), Brandon (cray cray cray cray cray), Zack K. (Book publisher. No really, who the […]

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  • The Bachelorette Recap – What the hell does “for the right reason” mean anyway?

    The Bachelorette Recap – What the hell does “for the right reason” mean anyway?

    I’m not here to make friends, I’m here for the right reasons, I am totally ready to find love, family is everything to me, there’s one guy in the house who is different around you than he is around us, I can’t wait to have kids, this is a fairy tale, I’m ready to take a risk, I’m the luckiest girl in the world, I never thought I’d feel so strongly so soon. Fuck all of you, all fifty-nine seasons […]

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