• Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Mexican Private Plane? No Bueno.

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Mexican Private Plane? No Bueno.

    I’m such an asshole! You guys, I couldn’t write the recap for Sunday night’s show yesterday. I just couldn’t sit my ass down to do it! Yes, I was busy but I fear I’m over it all! We can talk about that later. For now, here is a combined (and probably abbreviated, and definitely less funny) recap of Sunday and Monday’s show!   Two thoughts, right off the bat: Can we stop showing the crabs please? And is conversate a […]

    Read more »

     
  • Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Still talking about Joe…

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Still talking about Joe…

    I was going to say how annoying it was that they wasted two entire episodes on this lame Juelia and Joe drama…but then I realized this show is all about this shit. If we weren’t wasting time on those two, what would they be covering? Tanner’s boner? Ashley’s headband? Dan’s sexuality? It’s all ridiculous, so sure, why not blow two nights on Joe’s flat forehead and his hot bitch? As if it’s not enough of a hellhole already… Soooo, Juelia […]

    Read more »

     
  • Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Joe is a dickface and Dan is greasy

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Joe is a dickface and Dan is greasy

    I hate these people. Let’s backup. I didn’t recap either episode last week because I was on vacation. I came home last night and had two episodes waiting for me to watch on my DVR and one more recording live. It was a tad overwhelming to think about watching that many hours of this shit and after seeing the horror on my husband’s face after he saw the DVR recorded TV list…I decided to delete last week’s crap. I read […]

    Read more »

     
  • Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Crabs are Everywhere. And I Mean Everywhere.

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Crabs are Everywhere. And I Mean Everywhere.

    Let’s just get this shit out of the way: The After Paradise bullshit is NOT happening. You guys, I couldn’t. I tried. Did anyone actually sit through that? I literally couldn’t. I tried. It was Chris Harrison, some famous Twitter person who makes fun of the show, Ashley I. and two stars from the show Scandal. What the fuck? It was terrible, terrible, terrible. It’s like three people sitting around talking about the show, but those people are all boring. […]

    Read more »

     
  • Bachelor in Paradise Recap – How many times can I say “skank” or “slut” in one recap? Good lord.

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – How many times can I say “skank” or “slut” in one recap? Good lord.

    What a fucking fuck fest. Know what’s funny? That was the EXACT line I used to start last year’s season premiere recap. So things haven’t changed.   I can’t promise full recaps this season – expect a lot of half-assing on my part. Two nights every week makes mama angry. Although I admit, I’m excited for it. Oh and while we’re on the topic of me half-assing, I’m on vacation next week. Out of the country, on a cruise, so […]

    Read more »

     
  • The Bachelorette Recap – I’m just happy it’s over

    The Bachelorette Recap – I’m just happy it’s over

    Harrison – stop it with your “most shocking season finale” bullshit. We’re onto you. You’re full of shit and we all know it. She chose a guy and they got engaged – absolutely nothing shocking about it. Grrrr. Is that a half shirt? Nick Meets Kaitlyn’s Family    Kaitlyn is happy to be back in Los Angeles. Mostly because of that sweet house she gets to bunk in. Also, being in LA means she got a fresh manicure and some […]

    Read more »

     
  • The Bachelorette Recap – Men Tell All and Kaitlyn almost shows all

    The Bachelorette Recap – Men Tell All and Kaitlyn almost shows all

    I usually have tons of people commenting on my Facebook page about this show. Last night? I had zero. Zilch. So it looks like everyone is as over this show as I am.   This episode blows. At least there were a zillion commercials to fast forward through…and a zillion recaps of the season we JUST watched. They start with a Bachelor in Paradise promo. I’m excited…you guys, it’s going to be disgusting and hilarious. However, then Harrison decides to […]

    Read more »

     
  • The Bachelorette Recap – Lots o’ Vagine Fun in Ireland

    The Bachelorette Recap – Lots o’ Vagine Fun in Ireland

    And just like that, I find Shawn totally unattractive and now I want Nick on top of me naked.   Shawn and his pussy are still in Nick’s room yelling at him like a little baby. I get that you hate him, but take the high road. Why are you yelling at him? His jealousy and insecurity is so unbelievably unattractive. How do people not know this? He went from like, totally sheik to totally geek. Wait, chic? Sheeeek? I […]

    Read more »

     
  • The Bachelorette Recap – Shawn needs to put his vagine away

    The Bachelorette Recap – Shawn needs to put his vagine away

    I’m sucking fumes at this point, people. And Shawn’s complete pussy-ness is such a fucking turn-off. Bring on Bachelor in Paradise.   OK We’re down to five guys – Nick, Shawn, Jared, Joe and Ben. They’re still in Ireland and although the place looks beautiful the weather looks like fucking disaster.   Kaitlyn sent Chris home last week, which she says is the hardest thing she’s ever done. Besides Nick’s penis, that is. God even my jokes are tired at […]

    Read more »

     
  • The Bachelorette Recap – Off Camera Time = On Vagine Time

    The Bachelorette Recap – Off Camera Time = On Vagine Time

    I don’t know if Kaitlyn’s vagine can handle much more “off-camera” time. Her brain can’t handle it either – she’s losing her mind, no?   OK we’re down to nine guys: Ben H, Shawn, Nick, Jared, Chris, JJ, Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. A text from a friend tells me this: They all look like cartoons – they are oddly colored and have giant faces and huge weird hair. How accurate is that?   We left off last week with […]

    Read more »

     
  • The Bachelorette Recap – And now, Kaitlyn presents you….her Vagine

    The Bachelorette Recap – And now, Kaitlyn presents you….her Vagine

    Where we left off… Ian is ripping into Kaitlyn. She holds it together…too much. I would’ve said, “You know what? Fuck off, you fucking sack of horse shit.” Ian goes on and on about how shallow she is and that she’s just there to make out with guys. He leaves and in the limo says, “I just want to have sex.” Really? Anyone else see a strange Hi-Pot-I’m-Kettle-You’re-Black thing going on?   It kills me that he thinks he’s so […]

    Read more »

     
  • The Bachelorette Recap – Ian Sucks but Shawn does not. Mama Like.

    The Bachelorette Recap – Ian Sucks but Shawn does not. Mama Like.

    Let’s first address Chris and Whitney. People have asked me what I think? Shit, I don’t know. I don’t know these two. My guess is that he turned into a bit of a douche bag when he thought he was famous on Dancing with the Stars. But there was no way he was humping his dance partner – she was too young and hot. Also, he never really liked Whitney anyway. She was his second choice so it wasn’t going […]

    Read more »

     
 

Recent LMVOS

  • Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Mexican Private Plane? No Bueno.

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Mexican Private Plane? No Bueno.

    I’m such an asshole! You guys, I couldn’t write the recap for Sunday night’s show yesterday. I just couldn’t sit my ass down to do it! Yes, I was busy but I fear I’m over it all! We can talk about that later. For now, here is a combined (and probably abbreviated, and definitely less funny) recap of Sunday and Monday’s show!   Two thoughts, right off the bat: Can we stop showing the crabs please? And is conversate a […]

    Continue reading »

  • Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Still talking about Joe…

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Still talking about Joe…

    I was going to say how annoying it was that they wasted two entire episodes on this lame Juelia and Joe drama…but then I realized this show is all about this shit. If we weren’t wasting time on those two, what would they be covering? Tanner’s boner? Ashley’s headband? Dan’s sexuality? It’s all ridiculous, so sure, why not blow two nights on Joe’s flat forehead and his hot bitch? As if it’s not enough of a hellhole already… Soooo, Juelia […]

    Continue reading »

  • Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Joe is a dickface and Dan is greasy

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Joe is a dickface and Dan is greasy

    I hate these people. Let’s backup. I didn’t recap either episode last week because I was on vacation. I came home last night and had two episodes waiting for me to watch on my DVR and one more recording live. It was a tad overwhelming to think about watching that many hours of this shit and after seeing the horror on my husband’s face after he saw the DVR recorded TV list…I decided to delete last week’s crap. I read […]

    Continue reading »

  •  
  • Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Crabs are Everywhere. And I Mean Everywhere.

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Crabs are Everywhere. And I Mean Everywhere.

    Let’s just get this shit out of the way: The After Paradise bullshit is NOT happening. You guys, I couldn’t. I tried. Did anyone actually sit through that? I literally couldn’t. I tried. It was Chris Harrison, some famous Twitter person who makes fun of the show, Ashley I. and two stars from the show Scandal. What the fuck? It was terrible, terrible, terrible. It’s like three people sitting around talking about the show, but those people are all boring. […]

    Continue reading »

  • Bachelor in Paradise Recap – How many times can I say “skank” or “slut” in one recap? Good lord.

    Bachelor in Paradise Recap – How many times can I say “skank” or “slut” in one recap? Good lord.

    What a fucking fuck fest. Know what’s funny? That was the EXACT line I used to start last year’s season premiere recap. So things haven’t changed.   I can’t promise full recaps this season – expect a lot of half-assing on my part. Two nights every week makes mama angry. Although I admit, I’m excited for it. Oh and while we’re on the topic of me half-assing, I’m on vacation next week. Out of the country, on a cruise, so […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelorette Recap – I’m just happy it’s over

    The Bachelorette Recap – I’m just happy it’s over

    Harrison – stop it with your “most shocking season finale” bullshit. We’re onto you. You’re full of shit and we all know it. She chose a guy and they got engaged – absolutely nothing shocking about it. Grrrr. Is that a half shirt? Nick Meets Kaitlyn’s Family    Kaitlyn is happy to be back in Los Angeles. Mostly because of that sweet house she gets to bunk in. Also, being in LA means she got a fresh manicure and some […]

    Continue reading »

  •  
  • The Bachelorette Recap – Men Tell All and Kaitlyn almost shows all

    The Bachelorette Recap – Men Tell All and Kaitlyn almost shows all

    I usually have tons of people commenting on my Facebook page about this show. Last night? I had zero. Zilch. So it looks like everyone is as over this show as I am.   This episode blows. At least there were a zillion commercials to fast forward through…and a zillion recaps of the season we JUST watched. They start with a Bachelor in Paradise promo. I’m excited…you guys, it’s going to be disgusting and hilarious. However, then Harrison decides to […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelorette Recap – Lots o’ Vagine Fun in Ireland

    The Bachelorette Recap – Lots o’ Vagine Fun in Ireland

    And just like that, I find Shawn totally unattractive and now I want Nick on top of me naked.   Shawn and his pussy are still in Nick’s room yelling at him like a little baby. I get that you hate him, but take the high road. Why are you yelling at him? His jealousy and insecurity is so unbelievably unattractive. How do people not know this? He went from like, totally sheik to totally geek. Wait, chic? Sheeeek? I […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelorette Recap – Shawn needs to put his vagine away

    The Bachelorette Recap – Shawn needs to put his vagine away

    I’m sucking fumes at this point, people. And Shawn’s complete pussy-ness is such a fucking turn-off. Bring on Bachelor in Paradise.   OK We’re down to five guys – Nick, Shawn, Jared, Joe and Ben. They’re still in Ireland and although the place looks beautiful the weather looks like fucking disaster.   Kaitlyn sent Chris home last week, which she says is the hardest thing she’s ever done. Besides Nick’s penis, that is. God even my jokes are tired at […]

    Continue reading »

  •  
  • The Bachelorette Recap – Off Camera Time = On Vagine Time

    The Bachelorette Recap – Off Camera Time = On Vagine Time

    I don’t know if Kaitlyn’s vagine can handle much more “off-camera” time. Her brain can’t handle it either – she’s losing her mind, no?   OK we’re down to nine guys: Ben H, Shawn, Nick, Jared, Chris, JJ, Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. A text from a friend tells me this: They all look like cartoons – they are oddly colored and have giant faces and huge weird hair. How accurate is that?   We left off last week with […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelorette Recap – And now, Kaitlyn presents you….her Vagine

    The Bachelorette Recap – And now, Kaitlyn presents you….her Vagine

    Where we left off… Ian is ripping into Kaitlyn. She holds it together…too much. I would’ve said, “You know what? Fuck off, you fucking sack of horse shit.” Ian goes on and on about how shallow she is and that she’s just there to make out with guys. He leaves and in the limo says, “I just want to have sex.” Really? Anyone else see a strange Hi-Pot-I’m-Kettle-You’re-Black thing going on?   It kills me that he thinks he’s so […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelorette Recap – Ian Sucks but Shawn does not. Mama Like.

    The Bachelorette Recap – Ian Sucks but Shawn does not. Mama Like.

    Let’s first address Chris and Whitney. People have asked me what I think? Shit, I don’t know. I don’t know these two. My guess is that he turned into a bit of a douche bag when he thought he was famous on Dancing with the Stars. But there was no way he was humping his dance partner – she was too young and hot. Also, he never really liked Whitney anyway. She was his second choice so it wasn’t going […]

    Continue reading »

  •  
  • The Bachelorette Recap – Warning – Angry Recap Ahead

    The Bachelorette Recap – Warning – Angry Recap Ahead

    I’m dying here, people. This is PAINFUL. And I want to punch Kaitlyn in the head. She just wants to make out and hump. She’s the tiniest bit trashy, no?   She confronts Clint and he talks his way into her good graces. However, the editors dub in the words, “I’m done” and she walks him out. Some seriously shitty editing – this show is such a fucking joke.   She walks Clint out and passes all the guys. JJ […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelorette Recap – I’d take Yama on me naked over JJ

    The Bachelorette Recap – I’d take Yama on me naked over JJ

    I know I’ve said before that I’m over this show. I know I’ve been watching it for far too long. So maybe this is a biased opinion, but was last night’s show not THE WORST of all time? We just jumped the shark, people. It’s BAD. Also here is a screen shot of my blog folder. OMG.   I don’t know if that’s depressing or impressive. Either way, I sense retirement is near, people. This shit is terrible and I’m […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelorette Recap – Punjab Not Happy

    The Bachelorette Recap – Punjab Not Happy

    Let’s quickly discuss last week’s big promos revealing Kaitlyn bangs a bachelor and everyone freaks out. Yes, the guys hump bachelorettes every season (Bob Guiney banged like, 7… Courtney and Ben, Claire and Juan Pablo, etc). And yes, the guys don’t get slut shamed, but Kaitlyn does. Yes, it’s lame. Nothing wrong with Kaitlyn humping who she dates, but honestly it’s probably not smart for either the Bachelor or the Bachelorette to bang too much during the show because they […]

    Continue reading »

  •  
  • The Bachelorette Recap – No more Melodies-in-Me Guy

    The Bachelorette Recap – No more Melodies-in-Me Guy

    Harrison is such a drama queen. He pulls Britt aside and says, “Well, the men voted for….one woman. And she is…….going to be excited to be the next Bachelorette.” He finally spits it out that Britt is going home and she’s shocked. I feel a smidge bad for her, but not really. She was obnoxiously overconfident. Britt does her dramatic limo exit saying, “I want to be a wife and mom and actress more than anything in the world.”   […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelorette Recap – So who do I want naked on top of me?

    The Bachelorette Recap – So who do I want naked on top of me?

    I’m not gonna lie. A two-night premiere, followed by eleven weeks of Britt’s fucking face is almost too much for this blogger to handle. But I will do my best to hang.   Harrison says, “Let’s meet these two incredible women!” It’s not the first time something will be oversold this season. Incredible is a stretch, sir. Kaitlyn is “funny, sexy and inappropriate” and Britt is “sincere, emotional and loving.” Those are not the words I would use. Kaitlyn is […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelor Finale Recap – What a boner of a finale.

    The Bachelor Finale Recap – What a boner of a finale.

    What a boner of a finale.   Also, whoever thought of the name “Prince Farming” is incredibly proud of himself. Let’s move on.   Chris starts the episode in frigid temps back in Iowa saying, “It feels really good to be back home in Iowa.” No it doesn’t. That’s a lie. You’d much rather be in Bora Bora like the other seasons but some yahoo on the production team decided to fucking RUN with this Iowa theme. So you’re stuck […]

    Continue reading »

  •  
  • The Bachelor Recap – Women Tell All. And I Hate Them.

    The Bachelor Recap – Women Tell All. And I Hate Them.

    There’s no reason this recap should be late because this show was fucking stupid and I could recap it in five sentences. But I won’t because I rant a lot. So here goes. Chris and Chris crashing parties is good stuff, especially the super wasted crew at the end. I bet the one tequila-bottle-chugger was in panic mode waiting for last night’s episode to air – she probably didn’t have a clue what she did on camera. I wonder if […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelor Recap – The Armpit Sweat and Virgin Episode

    The Bachelor Recap – The Armpit Sweat and Virgin Episode

    So apparently it’s humid in Bali? Not that you could tell at ALL. Farmer has a pit problem on cold days in Iowa, so put the poor bastard in Bali and that shit was dripping!   We’re down to three girls and it’s the STD suite episode, people (or in Becca’s case, the dry-hump suite). Let’s get started.   Kaitlyn Date    Why is this straddle greet so popular? I would knock my husband over if I did that to […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelor Recap – Too exhausted to think of a title

    The Bachelor Recap – Too exhausted to think of a title

    We are down to six chicks and we’re STILL in Iowa… Becca Date    We were so busy listening to Britt freak about not getting the last date rose, that I forgot Becca hasn’t even gone on her damn date yet. The producers forgot too…you can almost hear them saying, “Oh fuck! We forgot to air the date with the virgin! Ahhh well, we’ll slot in a couple highlights between minute three and five.”   The whole date takes place […]

    Continue reading »

  •  
  • The Bachelor Recap – Arlington is a bit of an armpit

    The Bachelor Recap – Arlington is a bit of an armpit

    THREE hours? And two more tonight? This is like waterboarding, Bachelor style. Me = angry. It’s just too much. I know, I know, I subject myself to it, but I’m still allowed to be annoyed.   But how much should you people be forced to read? I’m making this shit quick tonight. We start with an hour of nothingness. First up, Kelsey…   Kelsey    In a nutshell: This interview was done solely to make her look like an even […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelor Recap – Bitches be crazy. OK mostly just Kelsey.

    The Bachelor Recap – Bitches be crazy. OK mostly just Kelsey.

    We start with Kelsey on the floor, crying like the fakest little bitch of all time. My goodness that was harsh! I don’t know much about panic attacks but from the descriptions I’ve heard, I don’t think one is capable of truly realizing what’s going on so the most suspect part of this is her whine: “I think I’m having a paaaanic attack…”   She clearly freaked out and needed attention. It was a ploy. This isn’t rocket science, people. […]

    Continue reading »

  • The Bachelor Recap – Vagina Virgin = Mouth Whore

    The Bachelor Recap – Vagina Virgin = Mouth Whore

    Holy shit, there are 15 girls left? My god.   There are two group dates this week and a 1-on-1 date. The kicker is that Chris’ sisters get to interview the girls and decide who gets the 1-on-1 date. What I wouldn’t give to be the one to interview these girls and decide that…someone make that happen for me!   Group Date    The group date is for Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie and Kelsey. “Let’s […]

    Continue reading »

  •